The Heist
by Steveofthestrangeface
Summary: Part 2 of 2 is up. That's all for this one! Also, sorry for the huge time gap between the first and second chapters.
1. Chapter 1

(a Baccano pseudofanfiction)

"Got it, Isaac?" Bill asked tiredly for the third time.

"Got it! My job is to wait until the guards are unconscious and the lock has been picked, and then go in with Sheryl and steal everything that's not nailed down!"

"Everything that's not nailed down!" Miria repeated with the same enthusiasm, the enthusiasm of a child telling her parents what flavor of ice cream she wanted.

This was really getting on Bill's nerves. "Isaac- no, but I guess that will have to be close enough for now. Miria- no, you have a different job. Do you remember what that job is?"  
Miria thought for a moment. "Oh yeah! I drive the getaway vehicle after Isaac and Sheryl come back with the loot!"

"Very good!" Bill answered in the most pleasant voice he could muster. "Now, you two keep studying the instructions I gave you. I'm going to discuss some details with Sheryl and Joe."

"Good-bye!" Isaac and Miria saluted as he exited the room and walked down the hallway.

It wasn't too late to hire two new people, he thought as he made his way to the room where Sheryl and Joe were waiting. Two people who could at least take the job seriously. He couldn't deny that they had some sort of strange skill: last week they had stolen all the bases from Wrigley Field… again. At this point, the stadium security guards just let the duo through for the publicity and increased ticket sales it brought after each theft. The thefts Isaac and Miria had told him about on the ride to his headquarters were slightly less believable. Stealing the door to a museum eighty years ago in 1929? And capturing Axis documents and plans during World War II in order to, as they had said, "steal the initiative?" Bill had just smiled politely and nodded as the unbelievable list of thefts grew both longer and more outrageous.

Well, so they lied about their work. What crooks hadn't? Sheryl probably never snuck into Fort Knox and picked the locks. Joe probably never tranquilized three guards outside of the Smithsonian for giving him strange looks. And even Bill himself, contrary to popular opinion, had never hacked into Nasa's network to funnel their resources into his own pockets. In fact, he didn't hire any of them based what they had said. He hired them based on what he had seen.

In the case of what he had seen Isaac and Miria do, what they had done was only slightly more believable than their stories. They had wrecked his chances during his last big heist. There he was sitting in his control room, hacking the camera feeds in and around Harris Bank when one of the cameras he had hacked started showing some suspicious footage. Those two idiots ran out of a nearby costume shop dressed as Vikings, threw two large sacks into the trunk of a 1930 Buick Roadster, jumped into the front seats, and promptly rammed into the back of a Dodge Journey that had parallel parked in front of them while they were in the costume shop. Not at all phased by the damage done to their valuable antique vehicle, the duo got out of their seats, grabbed their sacks from the trunk, and immediately ran into the street where they were both hit by a Hummer speeding down the street. A scared and somewhat confused costume shop owner ran out of the store while speaking rapidly into a cell phone. Steve read her lips to find out that the two weren't even robbers. They were just regular customers. At that point he stopped reading the woman's lips, because they had stopped moving. What he saw on her face was just a surprised stare as the two would-be robbers got up, decided to give the 1930 Buick Roadster another shot, jumped in, and drove away while waving good-bye to the stunned shop owner.

Naturally, the owner of the Dodge Journey was not at all pleased by the situation when he arrived and found cops and paramedics swarming around his damaged vehicle looking for two injured people who weren't there. Bill definitely wasn't pleased either: there were a lot of cops in the way of his bank robbery. Out of rage and curiosity, he re-watched the footage to see just who these two people were who could be flattened by a Hummer and then get up as if nothing had happened. It didn't take long before he figured it out. It was them. Isaac and Miria had been known for two things: crimes that made no sense and immortality. Naturally, Bill didn't believe in the immortality part, but getting up after being flattened by one of the largest land vehicles in existence was pretty impressive. Maybe there was more to these people than he had originally thought. They must have trained with monks or the military or… something. Whatever the case, this bank heist wasn't going to happen with all the publicity the crash had caused, so he figured he might as well do a little recruiting after he told the rest of his team there would be no bank robbery that day.

Finding them and persuading them to join his team had been much easier than expected. He found a costume shop that was relatively full of masks and costumes and waited outside of a coffee shop a few days in a row until a damaged 1930 Buick Roadster parked outside the shop and two ninjas emerged from the vehicle. The man inside the costume shop also saw the vehicle, and immediately jumped over his desk to greet the ninjas.

"Well if it isn't my favorite customers! King Louis the XIV and Pharaoh Hatshepsut, if I'm not mistaken! I was beginning to think that you weren't coming back! Don't worry, I've restocked the store! And with different costumes! Take a look!"

Isaac and Miria responded to the welcome by darting behind a sidewalk tree, looking to make sure they weren't being watched, and then silently darting into the costume shop. The owner returned to his desk and watched with a grin as the two noiselessly scurried around the store, tried on various costumes, nodded or shook their head and then threw the costumes deserving of nods into two sacks that they pulled out of the ninja costumes. Before departing they threw two large bundles of bills at the cash register the way ninjas might throw shurikens at a samurai. The owner picked up the bundles and looked at the bills, the grin still on his face. He shouted a, "Thank you! Please come again!" at the ninjas, but they had already disappeared out of the shop door with only the slightest rustle from their costume-filled sacks.

This was where Bill first met Isaac and Miria in person.

"Hello! I have a proposition for you! Would you like to come to my office?"

But the duo still weren't very excited to be seen. Luckily, Bill knew their weakness. "This proposition involves you getting an amount of costumes in the end that will make even Hollywood jealous."

Now he had their attention. They stepped away from the mailbox they had been hiding behind and took off their masks. Miria thought aloud: "Well, typically it's just Isaac and me… I don't know; what do you say, Isaac?"

Isaac thought about it for a few seconds, looked at Miria, and then the two simultaneously gave a thumbs up while shouting, "For the costumes!"

And now, here they were. And here he was, wondering whether or not he should fire them and find two more serious criminals. He entered the control room to find Sheryl and Joe checking their equipment.

Sheryl looked up from her tried and true lock-picking set to ask, "So, can we keep them?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Yes, we can keep them," Bill answered with a sigh. "Even though they do seem to be a little slow at learning their parts. Speaking of which, please tell me that you've memorized your parts."

"Yep," Sheryl answered.

"Sure thing," Joe echoed.

At least these two knew what they were doing. This plan could work. This plan was going to work. It had to. Bill had been working on it for months. Even when he was working on other plots, this heist had always been in the back of his mind. With the money this was going to bring in, none of them was ever going to have to rob another bank, convenience store, or costume shop. And it was all happening tomorrow.

"Excellent! I'm going to go check my equipment, then check on the new duo again, and then we should all get some sleep. We're going to need it." With that, Bill turned on his heels and marched out through the door and towards his master control room.

He really didn't understand what was so difficult about memorizing the plan- Sheryl and Joe had the whole plan, including Isaac and Miria's tasks, memorized within a few minutes. It was all so simple: they were going to rob Mr. Corps, the wealthiest man in the whole state of Illinois. Mr. Corps himself was on his yacht on the Pacific for the week, so he was out of the picture. The mansion was in the middle of nowhere; there wasn't another house within three miles of it. Even if the police were called, it would take them about four minutes to arrive. The only problems were six trained security guards armed with binoculars, tasers, and for some reason candlesticks. Mr. Corps didn't actually trust them enough to ever let them inside his luxurious mansion, so they patrolled the area around the house looking for intruders. Joe and Sheryl would each take out three of the guards with tranquilizer darts before getting back into the getaway vehicle (which just so happened to be Miria and Isaac's 1930 Buick Roadster) and driving to the front door.

Once the vehicle with the four people arrived at the front door, the real work could begin. Bill, who would still be at the master control room, would have to have the security alarm system deactivated by this time. He would also have to have the cameras hacked to show the stolen video feed from a few days prior (the video feed he stole last Tuesday to be exact). Sheryl would pick the three locks on the front door while Joe scanned the horizon to make sure no police were arriving. After the locks were picked, the team would split up. Joe and Miria would stay outside to continue to watch for visitors and Sheryl would go inside to crack the safe (after Bill managed to hack into the power grid and deactivate the 240 volts running through it). When the safe was opened, Sheryl would (naturally) take the money from it and leave. The new plan for Isaac, which Bill had just decided upon shortly after talking to Isaac, was that Isaac would go in with Sheryl and take everything that wasn't nailed down. The original plan was slightly more profitable, but they were going to be rich either way, so Bill figured he might as well let Isaac do his thing. When Sheryl had the millions from the safe (Mr. Corps liked to keep his cash in $10,000 bills) and Isaac had whatever looked valuable and wasn't nailed down, they would exit the mansion. At that point, they would just throw the loot in the back of the 1930 Buick Roadster and Miria would drive back to the headquarters to meet Bill. Heist complete.

After Bill was completely sure all of his computers and equipment were working properly, he went to Isaac and Miria's room to inform them of the new plan for Isaac. Isaac was naturally excited about the change of plans, but Bill wasn't in the mood for celebrating yet. He showed them to their room, and then went to his where he would sleep until 6:00 when his alarm would go off.

* * *

"Boss?"

It was Joe. And it was 3:45. Hopefully there was a good reason for this intrusion.

"Yes Joe?"

"I think you had better come see this."

By this time Bill was completely awake and following Joe to the room where Joe and Sheryl's equipment was stored. Or at least the room where the equipment used to be stored. Now the room just contained several conspicuously bare tables, a bewildered Joe, and an enraged Bill.

Soon after that, the room contained one less enraged Bill, as the enraged Bill it used to contain was now dashing to the enraged Bill's master control room.

A master control room which, as you may have guessed, contained just as many conspicuously bare tables as the previous room.

At this point, Bill was becoming less of an enraged Bill and more of the methodical Bill who had planned and performed so many heists in the past.

Bill's newest plan was complete as soon as Joe dashed into the room.

"Joe. Go check Isaac and Miria's room, then Sheryl's room. I'll go check to see which vehicle left, and if there are any clues to which direction it went. Bring whoever's still here to the vehicles."

Joe and Bill went their separate ways, and Bill was not surprised to find that the 1930 Buick Roadster was no longer parked where it should be. Joe and Sheryl rushed to find Bill staring into the distance.

"Ok," Sheryl started carefully, not wanting to test whether or not Bill's face could look any angrier. "What now?"

The plan was in Bill's mind, fully formed and waiting to be executed. "Now, we check the remaining cameras, do some detective work, and get our stuff back."

* * *

"Say Miria?" Isaac asked from the passenger seat of a speeding 1930 Buick Roadster.

"Yes Isaac?"

"Tell me again, why did we take all of their stuff instead of robbing the mansion and becoming ridiculously wealthy?"

"Well, when we rob places, we always have a good time with it. They just seemed so serious. It was like they didn't even enjoy the robbery. It was all just something they had to do to make money- it was just a chore for them! So, I figured that if they didn't have their equipment, then they'd forget about doing the robbery and find something they enjoyed doing!"

Isaac nodded, "Miria, you are absolutely right! They did seem miserable sitting around going over their plans all day. They'll be much happier now!"

"There's just one thing I'm still not sure about," Miria contemplated.

"What's that?"

"What should we do with all of their equipment?"

Isaac paused. After a few seconds, his finger flew into the air to announce his newest idea. "I've got it! We can't just sell it. I mean, we don't even know if it still works! The only responsible thing for us to do is to test it out for ourselves." He then added a sharp nod of his head to emphasize his point.

"Isaac! That's a wonderful idea! What should we steal first?"

With that Miria and Isaac stared at each other for a few more seconds. This probably wasn't the safest thing to do while Miria was still driving, but it was an important question.

After the few seconds had passed, they simultaneously shouted their solution.

"Postage stamps!"


End file.
